brownielady

i fucked up i was so strong b4 when i really did wanna talk to him when i really neededhim and i cracked for something so simple to be honest i kinda wanna talk to him now but thats so wrong i dont wanna fuck myself over again but i wanna hear him tell me hes moved on moved past me so i can know for sure i didnt make a mistake by telling him off the way i did it was random and mean i was just all worked up about before and the fact that id kept from him for so long and then to hear him sound so pompus but i know hes like that and he does things like that he does things like act an ass to be able to continue conversation and to be able to say something to me i wanna call him but i feel like an asshole if i do.... idk

do u wanna kill me or something the video was nothing but confusing

dont feel bad no need to lie im glad your not all alone anymore :)

never thought it was your fault sorry if it sound like it did lol but i know i consciously did what you had wanted all along i still kinda miss you and stuff but ill repress it soon and everything should be fine for a couple years but anyway yeah bye i guess txt whenever i dont really care this prolly sounds all wrong to what i want to say cuz im not all too competent at four thirty but whatever im just gonna say what i keep trying to ignore my head saying... dont take any of this to heart or any of it seriously i just feel like saying it all before i forget about all of this like i make myself do to everything that hurts a little....



i miss you, idk what you were to me but i hope i never encounter it again it hurts and its scary just like everything else that involves feelings i really am sorry you came in second but  idk i dont even have an explination for that i hate acting like i dont care i have repressing things but its the only way i get by im lonely and i hate it but that will pass too and ill get used to it like i did before when i was lonely i really do like talking to oypu and i think you dont like taalking to me which is why im such a bitch on the phone all the time i feel like a pathetic worthless piece of shit every time i talk to you because im not keeping up with dropping you like i said to myself i would i am a worthless piece of shit for even telling you this for even expressing my emotions so blatantly like this im weak, but im going to harden my shell again and i hope that nobody ever breaks into it again im not telling anybody anything else about me anymore and i seem happy but i feel hollow and discontent i realized how small and insignificant i am when you replaced me so quickly thats why it bothered me so much im glad you have somebody im just being a selfish cunt idk what im going to do with my life i think im going to leave the country for a while in an exchange program because i need a bigger distraction my usual ways dont work anymore im horrible pathetic and i really just want somebody to hold me like they care because no one does that anymore to anyone and its sad but im worthless for wanting it idk why i need it so bad i never had it before but now late at night its all i want and i dont know how to make it go away im letting my emotions get to me man and its too much  i dont like it and i want them to go away again i just  want my life to go back to they way it was but i know it wont so yeah before i tell you more shit i dont want you to knw but my head wont shut up about i guess ill say bye again just know im not a total self\ish cunt i did care ill prolly miss u for a while but i can make it go away i can make anything go away... till then ill keep trying to figure out why you affect me so much...

 to see who replaced me its cute to i kinda expected it but thats ok i feel alot better about it all ow and im glad its finally over i didnt think it would hit me this hard tho i never thought you were that special ima say bye bye for good now since you dont have the balls to and would much rather just blow me off instead

Well the story finally completed itself and to be honest i dont want to write it down i really dont want to finish the story its funny isnt it? i spent a lot of time trying to write out that story accurately and nice i spent so much time on it making it something i found somewhat worthy to be read and yet i wont finish it


I still wont finish it i want to but idk ill think about it i guess but i dont think the end will ever get posted

Ok lets see


There once was a girl from San Juan
It wasn't till her fourth year there that she saw any fun
There she met a special boy
The minute she moved away it was all destroyed
And now she sees his face whenever she is blinded by the sun





lol totally off the top of my head so yeah it sux just some things she wanted to get off my chest cuz i guess all hope is lost now right?

I see the familiar numbers flash on my screen. I look, i reply. I swallowed my pride and replied. you want to talk i cant imagine about what i thought you were done with me and my filthy life i see the three words that break me i keep it together i ignore the words question it again stall an hour passes probly more i shake off my buzz plummet back to earth and see those numbers again the three words my pride disappears blindfolded by my stupidity. I call wait for you to talk tell me what boy messed with you you assume things of me i dont care i are about YOU not what you assume of me i dont care what you think of me i just want you to be happy and i dont care about everything else really well we already talked if i think of anything else ill post...

It can't be back to normal, you cant expect me to want to sit on the phone and hear your voice just when i was able to think about you and not tear up. Its not all that cool anymore idk ill elaborate when i get home my break is over at work

fuck you and your leftovers



only when you get dumped do you think of me? dont treat me how steven treated you im worth more than that if you want to talk to me go ahead but dont rebound to me i wont fucking follow

ive come to the point where idk im just there im finally thinking about all my faults and all my regrets and all my fears and all my realizations and im astounded to how calm i seem when so much is boiling and reaching its end im at a point where i ddont even know anymore im just there im reaching a limit of anguish and rage that i just want to decide yes or no i want to chose whether its worth keeping or worth hiding away and forgetting idk anymore im allmost done

first of all there is no him
I knew there would be no him
He was not important
I do need you
but whatever I need alot of things I cant have
i do have the drugs
and i did try and i did fail
and your right i am willing to compromise but not enough to give it up
its not that its more important its that i need it
its come to the point where without i
\i dont even know it doesnt matter you dont believe me anyway


as for balls i have balls enough to try and stick around but im not a doormat if you dont want me ill leave and you already said it right
but of course tazlk to me about balls when you do everything electronically unless of course it is when everything is too late and there is no hope and everything is just a mess

it makes me mad that you dont have the balls to call me nad tell your done with me dont string me along if you wanted to end it that day as we sat in your room you should have told me i would have given you a hug cried a little called tamrah and left but please wait until im fifteen hundred miles away and i smoke like you knew i would

i know i cant quit ive tried but i fall back i know i wont quit until maybe i move away from my brother and its not so easy to get but until then i know how i am and i know how i am with my family and i know i will smoke whether i want to or not i just will i obey its what i do andi  know that is a sad pathetic hardly believable excus but thats me

and obviously the me i am now is not who you "love" or want so i dont want to force you to suffer if you dont have to call me sometime dont be a stranger i know ill call you every night only once at eleven o clock dont let people hurt you or fuck with you be careful and i hope you find the replacement for the me you knew two years ago i hope you get happy one day

I have been working on this and  I finally decided to post it... It'll prolly be a multi post thing

Meet girl,
Her name doesn't matter all that truly matters is her story...
She had a difficult life that no one noticed. Superficially everything was perfect minus a few things here and there. She had come somewhere far away, a fresh now place with fresh new people, and fresh new everything-- wait, none of this is relevant. There is no boy, there is no lovey dovey story or some cliche situation! Ok ok lemme restart at a more appropriate time frame for what really matters.-- ok so this girl lived in this new place for four years and she did alot of stuff but only one of the things she did there would ever really matter to her. SO its all we will talk about here.
Tina was this girls name now that I remeber, Tina went to high school and she met this boy there. He was not any regular boy, he was not her boyfriend or even remotely boyfriend material. He was perfect, he was her best friend, he is hers.

This boys name is not relevant, but his story is.

She first saw him ages before they met, she despised him, not any regular kind of hate either she just didn't like him she hated him with this passion with no basis... years passed she encountered him rarely and everytime she did he gave of this air of being such a bitch only making his view in her eyes even worse. But, the years passed and she never associated with him, then it happened. Her junior year of high school her friend tamrah was associating with somebody else while she was out of town and it just so happened to be Boy. She told Tina that he was pretty cool and that he kept her company, so I eased my view slightly. On a trip to the movies to see stranger then fiction with Mrs. Pucketts class TIna was with Alma Frances Tamrah Jazmin and the rest of her click when Boy appeared seeking love and hugs. He got inbetween us asking for a group hug and stuff. This may not be their first metting but it is the most memorable in TIna'a eyes. From then on he saw them in the mornings and around school Tina and him became more friendly she gave him hugs and she was nice to him, he was alright after all. Then somehow the two hung out with tamrah after webmastering for lunch. They hung out then one day she brought him to eat lunch with her group and he became a fixture soon after. They hung out almost everyday arms locked walking the halls like rats. The three of them Tina, Boy, Tamrah. They had a formation together, they would skip class, they would eat lunch, walk the halls, talk, laugh, everything. He was her everything, one of the few things in texas she actually liked, he was what she needed...

Tina never liked to believe that she needed anybody but she knew she did.... apparently he needed her too but I don't think he ever needed her the way she needed him... ever.

Anyway, the two were always seen together and then he told her he was gay, and she didn't flinch she had already expected it. She thought he was gay years ago and now she knew for sure it was no biggie, no major discovery. She didn't know much about him his past or his plans and he didnt know very many things about her either. Junior year ended and the two talked over the summer then the phone calls started every night like clock work the two talked and talked and talked for hours on end about everything. They grew closer has problems got over them and moved on they learned more about eachother and things changed.

She loved him, his company, the sound of his voice, seeing his name on the phone, his problems, his ridicule, his advice, everything she just loved him so much [not in like a romantic way or anything] she loved him with the purest love the love that ranks with that of siblings if not higher. But it happened so quickly too quickly for her. She didn't like the fact that she had suddenly found somebody she cared about so much they fought and it hurt her she couldn't stay mad at him she gave in and so on like that. She needed him.

Summer ended and school resumed, finally almost free it was her senior year of high school, she saw daniel on her first day and couldn't be happier. she hugged him and it felt perfect. They had classes together and were always inseperable. She did everything she could for him, to try and make him happy she hated to know he was crying or know he was mad...

Over these months of their knowing eachother TIna learned alot about Boy. Those months were not easy either Boy was a difficult person to love, he tested people, and made people mad for no reason, he found double meaning in everything, and he read way into things and many many times Tina thought of giving up and leaving him and his struggles and difficulties but she couldnt bring herself to do it... she needed him too much.

Either way school went on TIna and Boy grew closer and closer and she was happy her life was content, then she remembered that soon they would not be together, She was leaving, going back to a place she had lost... he knew it too he knew it all along, he planned for it to end. To ease the pain I suppose he tried to end it before it would end natuarally hestopped talking as much, became distant and grumpy. She noticed brought it up, and he told her he doomed them to at the most the end on the upcoming summer. She was crushed she was furious. Tina was not losing another of the only men in her life she trusted. All of them kept slipping away and she would not allow it. She fought and made him happy again convinced im it would never happen. Although he still kept the notion that he would. She was sad and she felt like nobody was there except him Boy was always there when she needed him.

School pressed on as unimportant as the last day then prom came. He accompanied her to her senior prom and he hung out with her after, it was a wonderful night filled with surprses and dancing. The night ended and it was like nothing ever happened no stress of leaving no problems with their friendship nothing at all.

Then the fateful day came upon the two of them; graduation. Graduation was an extremely difficult day. Tina had waited for it for so long and it had fnally come but she felt no sincere joy. Inside it hurt her knowing she would most likely never see him again, and that their friendship was now restricted to phone calls and webcam. He seemed so far away but still like clockwork once she moved they talked every night. She knew so much about him and her trust in him grew even more. She told him all her secrets and he told her some of his. He knew everthing about her, ever bad habit, every childhood memory, every childhood nightmare, he knew it all and she adored him for it. She knew boy like the back of her hand, yet there is alwasy a side of your hand tat you can't see and that eludes you completely... soon after she moved things began to go wrong between the two friends and things werent like before... but i think this post has dragged on long enough I should go... Ill finish tis tale another day...

Boredom is a ghost; it can possess a person to do its bidding, and it never dies. Boredom leads to things, things people cannot control. It may lead to evil thoughts, evil actions, or simply evil intentions. But boredom is not all strictly evil causing it numbs the mind causing it to do nonsensical and purposeless things. It may possess the mind to write something, to draw something, to build something, even to dream something. But as common sense dictates it must all stem from somewhere.

 If boredom is some ghost who runs around possessing those with idle hands it must have come from somewhere. Who is boredom the ghost of? Did boredom just sprout as a ghost from nowhere running around instigating thought? Or could boredom simply be the cumulative ghost of past thoughts?  Past thought and ideas that have been abandoned and left to rot in some kind of figurative cellar. Ideas people dismissed as idiotic or too time consuming that float around, die, join the ghost of boredom in its reign and later possess the mind of the unsuspecting victim.

Or am I simply rambling on about the random occurrences in my mind due to my own bout with boredom? Most likely. I mean honestly I have made no real point, I have no evidence to support my idea, and I am sitting in a computer lab with no internet looking for something to occupy my mind. This is all just my imagination run wild because I am lacking my USB drive and cannot finish writing my story. I am actually considering thoughts having life, and having souls that can later become ghosts. Not only ghosts no, no that would be too simple, ghosts that unite to form a state of being that possess  those with nothing to do. There is no way anything I have just written down is legitimate. It is just me rambling on and on trying to think of something worth writing and waiting for the clock to hit 12:50 so I can go to my next class.

You know in the beginning this was meant to be a poem, but I am not the best poet I am a better rambler. Me. Who am I? I just wrote a paper on one of my made up identities, none of it is true. I just had to fill up space on a page so I could get a grade… why has writing become this to me? Why has it become rambling for a grade? When did the shift from writing for fun and to unload the mind, to mindless paper filling? Sure, sure for some writing still has some life and some true thought, but not all their writing. Writers of my generation have been reduced to being forced to write things, not interesting mind provoking things, but boring redundant things that only make the mind shrink more and more. When did writing die? Yes, I said it, writing is dead, it is no longer an art with beautiful eloquent language, constantly evolving plots, ever growing characters, and hidden messages. Writing is now so simplistic and cliché, so the common man could understand.

But why? The common man barely reads why must writing have to lower itself to their standards? Has no one noticed the lack of modern books in literature classes, the sole existence of books from ages ago when writing was a true art? This is because writing is nothing now but smut, and similar plots with similar characters. All that gets changed is names and settings. But that’s not right, writing is an expression of self, a literary image of the writers mind is it not? No, of course not, at least not anymore with books that are actually read. Now it is all about what the common reader wants, and the common readers of modern books are idiots. They have no idea what true writing is that want a good fast story with the same plot as always and with a hero who save the princess, or whatever other Super Mario fantasy they have. Back in the days of true writers they were poor individuals who wrote for the sake of writing, and who loved the art, now writers are rich and respected with best sellers and huge publishing companies. I do not consider them to be writers, I will admit I am a victim of the Harry Potter phenomena and I will admit that was a great story. But the story was so lifeless and it continued and continued. The writer became a slave of the publisher, not a slave of the mind all of it was done for money. They made movies and merchandise and all this other unnecessary crap that did nto pertain to the story. When is the last time you saw a Wuthering Heights Heathcliff action figure? Or a Tess doll with peony lips? Never! Because that was writing for writing not writing for ratings.

Ok let me start I guess where everything has been annoying me...
Apparently I have no idea where that is, and it really really annoys me. I should know where the root of what annoys me is. Shouldn't I? Isn't it only fair that a least I know whats bothering me?

I don't know i guess I could just say the things that have been confusing me to the point of annoyance. Because, the thing is I always thought coming to Chicago would make things better, would make everything better. I always thought it would make all my depression that I try my best to hide, all my hidden secrets, all my loneliness issues I thought coming back to Chicago would make that all go away, bit it didn't. Instead coming home has only made my secrets bother me more, my depression is slowly creeping back at me, everything is crumbling from my relationship with my brother to my relationship with my mom. It's all going away. 

So I guess I can determine why I've been getting depressed at random intervals in my day, I could link it to how things are falling apart with Luis and my mom. Honestly I should have know that at least that would have to go. I mean in Texas that was perfect I mean I could go up to Luis to talk to him about ANYTHING and all he had to do was say "Babe I'll call you back" *click* and then Luis and I would get to spend time together. The thing is that now in Chicago there is no "Babe I'll call you back" there is no *click* because she is always there attached to his neck like some kind of leech all day everyday. I walk into his room because I want to talk to him and BOOM who's wallowing on the bed? I wonder? And then all this does is mess things up between me and my mom , because my mom fights all day with him about her and then she tells me everything about how much of an asshole he's being. Personally I'm not one to take sides but well who I can only hear one side of the story due to a certain leech who am I supposed to believe. And the funny thing is he confronted me on why I'm taking moms side. MOMS SIDE? I would certainly never never choose that bitch over my own brother, but hey when she's the only one who takes the time to talk to you or care about you in the least what the fuck am I supposed to do? He's just there with his precious creature all day fighting with her and taking it out on me and my mom, and I am supposed to just be on his side when I don't even know what the fuck is going on? I've gotten to the point where I want to revert to being a little kid and just going in to my closet to hide from them all and pretend that I don't exist...

On top of all that stuff I feel so empty all the time, don't get me wrong I love Rubi and I love hanging out with her, but I miss my old friends. I miss them so much that I don't even know whats wrong with me. It's like you leave and everyone is all like "You better come visit me" and "I'll so call you while you're there" and "You better not loose touch" and all this crap and when it comes down to it only one person has done that, only one person still calls me on an almost daily basis just to talk about nothing or to fake sympathy just to make me feel better, or just to keep me company when I feel depressed at night [even though he most likely doesn't know when I'm depressed]. Just one person! And the funniest part is that one person isn't even who I considered my best friend from Texas. He was one of my best friends in Texas, but he was initially the Jackie to my Rubi. My Texas "Rubi" won't even answer her fucking phone for me. I don't know more and more she makes me want to say just fuck it and stop accepting the few calls she exchanges with me. And I bet she doesn't even know how much this thing annoys me, maybe I'm taking it all to serious. I mean I bet to her I'm nothing but that friend I had in high school, that one girl from Chicago...

This wasn't supposed to be like this. In Chicago my life was supposed ot start fixing itself, but instead I walk to some ghetto as high school to smoke some bud with my new college friends, and I feel more by myself everyday so my cousins offer to get me bud from some guy at his job looks better and better each time I thing about it. I don't know... I don't think I will ever find out whats bothering me I guess...

I can blame it on so many things...

-The Leech 
-Little Miss Sunshine
-Bud
-The fact that I still smoke bud even though I told myself I'd stop
-All my past problem coming out of the hole I buried them in
-or it could even be the fact that I miss the people from Texas when I promised myself I wouldn't and I'd try to put it all behind me...

So many possible roots to one problem. How sad... 

I guess all I have left are Daniel and my kitty... and well who know how long they will last...