brownielady

Ok let me start I guess where everything has been annoying me...
Apparently I have no idea where that is, and it really really annoys me. I should know where the root of what annoys me is. Shouldn't I? Isn't it only fair that a least I know whats bothering me?

I don't know i guess I could just say the things that have been confusing me to the point of annoyance. Because, the thing is I always thought coming to Chicago would make things better, would make everything better. I always thought it would make all my depression that I try my best to hide, all my hidden secrets, all my loneliness issues I thought coming back to Chicago would make that all go away, bit it didn't. Instead coming home has only made my secrets bother me more, my depression is slowly creeping back at me, everything is crumbling from my relationship with my brother to my relationship with my mom. It's all going away. 

So I guess I can determine why I've been getting depressed at random intervals in my day, I could link it to how things are falling apart with Luis and my mom. Honestly I should have know that at least that would have to go. I mean in Texas that was perfect I mean I could go up to Luis to talk to him about ANYTHING and all he had to do was say "Babe I'll call you back" *click* and then Luis and I would get to spend time together. The thing is that now in Chicago there is no "Babe I'll call you back" there is no *click* because she is always there attached to his neck like some kind of leech all day everyday. I walk into his room because I want to talk to him and BOOM who's wallowing on the bed? I wonder? And then all this does is mess things up between me and my mom , because my mom fights all day with him about her and then she tells me everything about how much of an asshole he's being. Personally I'm not one to take sides but well who I can only hear one side of the story due to a certain leech who am I supposed to believe. And the funny thing is he confronted me on why I'm taking moms side. MOMS SIDE? I would certainly never never choose that bitch over my own brother, but hey when she's the only one who takes the time to talk to you or care about you in the least what the fuck am I supposed to do? He's just there with his precious creature all day fighting with her and taking it out on me and my mom, and I am supposed to just be on his side when I don't even know what the fuck is going on? I've gotten to the point where I want to revert to being a little kid and just going in to my closet to hide from them all and pretend that I don't exist...

On top of all that stuff I feel so empty all the time, don't get me wrong I love Rubi and I love hanging out with her, but I miss my old friends. I miss them so much that I don't even know whats wrong with me. It's like you leave and everyone is all like "You better come visit me" and "I'll so call you while you're there" and "You better not loose touch" and all this crap and when it comes down to it only one person has done that, only one person still calls me on an almost daily basis just to talk about nothing or to fake sympathy just to make me feel better, or just to keep me company when I feel depressed at night [even though he most likely doesn't know when I'm depressed]. Just one person! And the funniest part is that one person isn't even who I considered my best friend from Texas. He was one of my best friends in Texas, but he was initially the Jackie to my Rubi. My Texas "Rubi" won't even answer her fucking phone for me. I don't know more and more she makes me want to say just fuck it and stop accepting the few calls she exchanges with me. And I bet she doesn't even know how much this thing annoys me, maybe I'm taking it all to serious. I mean I bet to her I'm nothing but that friend I had in high school, that one girl from Chicago...

This wasn't supposed to be like this. In Chicago my life was supposed ot start fixing itself, but instead I walk to some ghetto as high school to smoke some bud with my new college friends, and I feel more by myself everyday so my cousins offer to get me bud from some guy at his job looks better and better each time I thing about it. I don't know... I don't think I will ever find out whats bothering me I guess...

I can blame it on so many things...

-The Leech 
-Little Miss Sunshine
-Bud
-The fact that I still smoke bud even though I told myself I'd stop
-All my past problem coming out of the hole I buried them in
-or it could even be the fact that I miss the people from Texas when I promised myself I wouldn't and I'd try to put it all behind me...

So many possible roots to one problem. How sad... 

I guess all I have left are Daniel and my kitty... and well who know how long they will last...